Extracts from Zlatan’s fictional autobiography

Serialisation of Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s autobiography has confirmed our suspicions about the PSG striker’s modesty and humility. Alan Tyers imagines extracts from his forthcoming, fictional, second life story.

Zlatan on being part of a team
ÔÇ£Obviously you cannot have 11 Zlatans on a team (although I understand scientists are working on it with cloning technology). So in the meantime, itÔÇÖs important that everyone knows his role: supporting the Zlatan and making him look good.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on Ajax
ÔÇ£It was like being at school but for some reason they did not teach a class in Zlatan Studies. Not acceptable.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on Fabio Capello
ÔÇ£Scary guy. But I made him fear me with the power of my mind.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on David Beckham
ÔÇ£Not a bad looking guy but not in the Zlatan class when it comes to making the ladies come over funny.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on God
ÔÇ£HeÔÇÖs been a big influence on me. And I know heÔÇÖd say the same vice versa.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on Syria
ÔÇ£I would go there and park my tanks on their lawn. I have several tanks. So what? I earned the money, if I want to drive a tank then I will. Or maybe I would solve the situation with diplomacy, it depends on how I felt on the day.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on Gareth Bale
ÔÇ£Not too sure what this is. Sorry.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on Arsene Wenger
ÔÇ£Very smart guy. I could tell he was clever as soon as he said ÔÇÿZlatan, you are a great playerÔÇÖ. Unfortunately he would not meet my demands (stadium to be renamed Emirates Zlatan, team to be called London Zlatan, Thierry Henry to be my butler) so unfortunately I had to laugh in his face and leave.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on Trees
ÔÇ£I hate them. Their stupid leaves, branches, towering over me. They think theyÔÇÖre better than me. Newsflash: They are not.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on Sir Alex Ferguson
ÔÇ£Just imagine what he could have achieved in his career if heÔÇÖd had Zlatan.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on Lionel Messi
ÔÇ£Like a Fiat Uno with a FerrariÔÇÖs engine. But I am a Ferrari with a FerrariÔÇÖs engine. I would like to drive my Ferrari over his tiny Fiat head.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on his temper
ÔÇ£The fire burns within me. IÔÇÖm like an engine that needs anger as its fuel. Once, my Ferrari ran out of petrol so I filled it up with my essence. I have other Ferraris now.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on Laurent Blanc
ÔÇ£He understands me, he nurtures me, he encourages me. I often give him advice about how best to understand me. There is a lot of respect.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on kicking a giant metal chest full of football kit
ÔÇ£Now it fears me.ÔÇØ

Zlatan on Pep Guardiola
ÔÇ£He tried to keep me in a box and do bad things to me. Like in that movie where the guy cuts the arms legs off that woman. It was horrible. I escaped by doing something awesome and getting in my car.ÔÇØ